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Updated 150 Days ago

Ambien...Do Stuff While You Sleep!

With a long international flight coming up, a friend recommended I try the sleep medication Ambien in order to catch a few winks during what I’m sure will be the most cramped 12 hours of my life.  Long story short (and doctor’s name omitted because it was way too easy to get this prescription), and there I sat with a bottle of ten little pills.  Curiosity got the best of me and I decided to read the warnings on the label (I mean c’mon, who does that?) Then, my eyes hit the line below:
 

 

 

Sure it’s hard to believe it’s even legal, but you’re telling me there’s a pill that might make sleepy time more productive?  This is both disturbing and awesome!  Thanks to Ambien, no longer should people wake up feeling guilty for doing nothing while in a state of unconsciousness.  Being the adventurous type, I downed a pill and tucked myself in, knowing I apparently had a pretty full night ahead of me.  Would I Ambien myself out to the garage and finish the drywall work I started last week?...Would I break out a skillet and Ambien up a delicious porcini mushroom and goat cheese omelet?...Would I make a prank call to a grocery store in Burma?...The possibilities seemed endless, terrifying, and downright intriguing. 
 
 
Night turned to morning and let’s just say I wasn’t disappointed.  I was mystified, but not disappointed.  I woke up in my dog’s crate and my dog woke up in my bed, oddly enough, wearing my shirt.  I searched my pockets and found the following items, two blue crayons, a container of ricotta cheese, a used typewriter ribbon, and a largemouth bass. 
 

 
A stiff breeze hit my face and I looked up to discover I’d apparently installed three ceiling fans, the blades of which were made from wood only available in the jungles of Tanzania…hmmm.  As if a roundtrip journey to Tanzania in search of fan blade wood wasn’t enough, Ambien also brought out the musically gifted side of my sleeping persona.  Sometime during the night, I brought a xylophone upstairs (no clue where I got the xylophone, but I do know there’s a Hank’s Xylophone Supply Company truck in my garage and it looks like it’s hotwired. 
 

 
Anyway, looking at my computer, it appears that I recreated and digitized the Encino Man soundtrack using three rubber bands of varying thicknesses and of course the xylophone.  I also noticed a tattoo of the busts of the entire cast of Night Court on my lower back…I’m worried I’ll regret that one eventually, but for now it’s pretty cool.  
 

 

Anyway, to make a short story long, be sure you’re completely aware of your surroundings before taking Ambien.  Any drug whose disclaimer warns of people cooking food and making phone calls in their sleep is worth taking seriously.  Also, if there are any Xylophone supply stores within walking distance of your bed, be sure their vehicles are locked securely with The Club.  That’s all for now…I’m off to bed. 
 
P.S. Portions of this blog may have been fabricated...I'm not sure...I was on Ambien when I wrote this.

About The Author:

Chris Files is a video producer and writer for ToastedRav.com as well as a world-champion moose caller*
Story idea? Drop a line to chris@toastedrav.com

*1998 Winter Olympic Games - Nagano, Japan


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