New New Year's Traditions

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For years, my grandpa has touted the good luck effects of eating pickled herring on New Year's Eve and for years I have dodged this tradition admittedly passing on my chances for luck.  I'm not quite sure what the significance of eating these little devils is but my guess is it has something to do with our German roots. 

Recently, new St. Louis Police Chief Dan Isom set out on a P.R. campaign to stop the skyward firing of guns to celebrate the New Year.  He's had to go as far as reminding revelers that the bullets fired into the night sky will eventually come back down to earth.  This message says a lot about the audience they're targeting.

I'm sure the full list of New Year's traditions is massive and I'm not going to document each one.  Instead, I'm ready to move on.  Here's a list of NEW New Year's good luck traditions that my twisted little brain and I came up with.  Give'em a try this New Year's Eve and let me know how it goes.

For Love
Drink a gallon of honey and then do your best rendition of a Pat Benatar group dance routine in front of your pets.

For Money
Wad up a dollar bill and glue it to the inside of your shoe while humming "Money" by Pink Floyd.  Keep the dollar bill inside your shoe for the duration of the year or until it starts to get really stinky.

For Better Balance
Insist on an alternate spelling of your name while claiming that everyone has been misspelling it for years.

For Better Cell Phone Service
Rub olive oil into your hair while chewing a piece of tin foil.

For Better Handwriting
Soak your hands in Dawn.

For Faster Internet Connections
Write the letter "Z" on a piece of yellow legal paper one thousand times (be sure to make each letter smaller than the previous letter).

To Get Your Cat to Hit the Litter Box
Get a new cat.

For Another Great Season of 30 Rock
Wear a replica NBC Paige jacket for the first 30 days of the New Year. 

For a Greater Knowledge of the Force
Try not.  Do or do not.  There is no try.

To Quit Smoking
Watch one episode of Small Wonder for every cigarette you smoke.

To Avoid Infidelity
Picture troubled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich naked while riding on a camel.

For Better Blog Writing
Don't wait until the last minute so you can avoid having to rattle off a list of nonsense that is sure to clog the blogosphere.