Fake Mayor Slay: 'Litter-ary' Journals

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Hello constituents and employees of corporate donors. I know lots of issues are on your minds these days. The economy, crime, why John Belushi's talentless little brother is still on TV. We're working on those. Seriously, one wake-up call to Courtney Thorne-Smith should take care of that last one. But I also want to be The Green Mayor (although, I liked the sound of The Silver Slayer much better).

So, you know the old saying, "Think Globally, Act Locally?" It doesn't get more local than my own front yard. So I was pretty excited when the Suburban Journals announced they would stop littering my front yard with their ad rag by November 5 if we didn't subscribe. Well, here we are in December, and the thing keeps landing in my yard. I checked with Mrs. Mayor to see if she had sent in their ransom request, and she said no. I was in the doghouse for a bit for assuming she'd be that stupid. Don't worry, she can't resist my executive overtures.

I digress. Don't get me wrong, I love reading when fine journalists like Jim Merkel cover vitally important news. But why does it have to be all up in my lawn, especially since they said they'd stop? And why on Earth would I pay them for something they are going to keep doing for free anyhow?

To add insult to the gaping wound print publications leave on Mother Earth, this Sunday they threw a copy of the Post-Dispatch on there to boot! And without the coupons! In this economy? That's just mean.

It is almost as if they are trying to artificially inflate their circulation numbers to make their dying medium more palatable to advertisers. That's disingenuous. You don't see me trying to re-work census numbers every time they are published, do you?