Movie Review - Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen

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In live-theater, there is a rehearsal technique designed to ingrain the dialog into the minds of the actors.  It entails all of the actors performing the play as fast as they possibly can.  No scripts are used.  This is, after all, meant to strengthen the actors’ memories.  If done properly, a two-hour play can be completed in less than 45-minutes.  No thought it is given to delivery, motivation or acting.  The goal is merely to say the lines correctly and as quickly as humanly possible.  Watching Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen is like attending just such a rehearsal.  The actors speak with such rapidity, it’s as if they fear they’ll be cut from the film in lieu of another CGI’d action sequence if they dared to slow down production. 

For those of you unfamiliar, Transformers began life as a Hasbro toy line.  The Transformers are sentient alien robots from the planet Cybertron that can disguise themselves as everyday objects (cars, trucks, helicopters, etc.) and “transform” into robots when needed.  As with any toy line/Saturday morning cartoon show, there are good robots and evil robots.  The plot of the film, what there is of it, has something to do with a bad robot uprising and good robots fighting back with the help of humans Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) and Mikaela (Megan Fox).  Because if there’s anything 25-foot tall, sentient robots need, it’s the help of a 19-year old boy and his stripper-in-waiting girlfriend. 

Transformers 2 is a surprisingly sleazy film.  While it’s not as raunchy as Land Of The Lost, the movie possesses a sexuality that you might not expect from a film based on a line of action figures.  Your kids might not be teenagers when they enter the theater, but they will be by the time they leave.  We are treated to not one but two scenes of dogs humping.  And we also get to witness a miniature transformer humping the leg of Mikaela.  When we first see Megan Fox in the film, she’s splayed across a motorcycle in a pair of shorts that would make Daisy Duke blush.  The scene has all the subtlety of a pap smear.  

Director Michael Bay’s camera work throughout the film is nauseating.  His camera constantly moves and swoops, twists and turns, circling its subjects even when the scene doesn’t necessitate the movement.  Tony Scott did this to great effect in The Taking Of Pelham 123, but there the technique was used to inject action into a film that was otherwise lacking it.  If there’s anything a movie about giant robots is lacking, it sure ain’t action.  You would think that the most important part of a movie like Transformers 2 would be watching the robots “transform.”  But Bay focuses his camera so tightly on the robots in question, that it’s virtually impossible for anyone other than the geekiest of fanboys to discern what is actually being seen.  Furthermore, many of the robots are virtually indistinguishable from each other.  Between the poor artistic design, the kinetic camera work and the super tight close-ups, the scenes in which the robots “transform” are more akin to watching a kaleidoscope – pretty, but nonsensical. 

The film attempts to inject some humor into the proceedings.  Most of it comes via an extraordinarily shrill performance from Julie White as Judy Witwicky, Sam’s mother.  She’s reduced to screaming the bulk of her dialog, thanks to the cacophony of robot fights and a soundtrack twice as a loud as it needs to be.  When her character becomes high on pot-brownies while dropping Sam off at college, all one can do is cringe for the actress and hope that some of the film’s no-doubt exorbitant budget found its way into her paycheck. 

The film’s other attempt at humor comes courtesy of two Transformers voiced in such a manner that leads one to surmise that the planet of Cybertron has rich and storied tradition of minstrelsy.  Not since Jar Jar Binks have filmgoers been treated to characters that somehow managed to be paradoxically non-human yet racially offensive.

Transformers 2 is an assault on the senses; a loud, sloppy, prurient mess of a film.  It will most likely induce boredom in the young and queasiness in the old. 

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Iron Giant and 1 being Heartbeeps, Transformers 2: Revenge Of The Fallen gets a 3.

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