So apparently I created a lot of "buzz" at my inauguration with my proposal for a City - County merger. Faithful readers of my "wog" (short for "web log" people, try to keep up with what the kids are doing) saw me begin these overtures some time ago. And as I recently highlighted, I've got City Hall on autopilot, so I needed something to keep it interesting.

Well, that worked for a day or two. I'm bored. So, I guess I need to get my nose to the grindstone. Sat down with Board President Lewis Reed and Comptroller Darlene Green about a budget. Turns out, we have one. Lame, I'm more of a "spend-with-your-gut" kind of guy. Anyhow, turns out the numbers on the "spendy" side are bigger than the ones on the "makey" side. Guess that red-light camera windfall didn't cut it. So we needed ideas.

"Well we could do a furlough," said Lewis. Hmmm... I did terribly in Latin at SLU so I wasn't sure what he meant. Not to worry, years of political savvy make wiggling out of this easy. "Darlene, why not take us through what that would mean."

"Well, basically we'd force every City employee to take two weeks off. And as a show of support, I think we should participate as well," she said. What? I can do that? Why on Earth haven't I done this before? Think of what it would do for morale, and my approval ratings among workers and their families! I said, "DONE! You guys make with the paperwork, I've got a plane to catch! Mexico here we come!" as I bolted to get packed up and beat the rush.

Darlene yelled something down the hall that sounded like "withoutpay!" which must be Spanish for "Bon Voyage" or something. Seems her good luck wish is working already, I got a REALLY low price on a flight to Mexico, and pretty well my choice of seat on the airplane. Tell you what, the timing of this trip couldn't be better. So much of my job is being locked in a room full of people glad-handing up close and personal. I don't know if you've heard, but there is this "swine flu" thing going around. I wanna get as far from that as I can, and Mexico seems a good place to lay low until it blows over. Sayonara, amigos!

Big Day! Finally, the day of my Inaw Innau Inagru swearing in! Recognition for the beat-down I have given all comers. I mean sure you may have thought it was a done deal when I won the primary. And I suppose the election made it official. But it doesn't hit home until I'm standing on some steps talking to a crowd of people who don't have jobs important enough to be at their desks.

I think I'll take a cue from Obama. "The last eight years, this city has been a ship steered by a rudder of failed policies, guided by a breeze of cronyism." How's that strike you? I'd hate to be the guy in charge for the last eight years, he'll be all "oh no he dih-int!" Sucks to be him.

I was thinking of opening with that, but Jeff Rainford said to lead with a joke. Okay, fine. How many Somali pirates does it take to change a light bulb? POW POW POW! None! The Navy Seals just shot them. Huh? Huh? No? Crap.  You'd think after the first two acceptance speeches, this one would be easier.

Still trying to line up Beyonce for my first dance with the missus. No word yet, but not a "no" either, so I've got her penciled in. My fallback plan is the guy who plays that silky horn under the pedestrian bridge by Busch Stadium. I think that money he gathers for lessons is really working, he's getting good.

Well, I better knuckle down and hammer this speech out. I'm going to have people from all over the city there supporting me. From The Hill, to South City, to Midtown, the West End, Dog Town, I mean a swath of the entire city. Can't let them down.

So I spent about an hour yesterday morning reading the "Obits" section of St. Louis Zoo magazine. Wow, no wonder they have all that heavy equipment at work, I assume they are working on a cemetery. That's some big holes. I mean, if you put a polar bear six feet under, about half of it is still sticking out, right?

I flipped through some more, because I was hoping they'd have a piece about how you say, "no, it's just a cold sore" in Elephant talk. No luck there, but I was encouraged to see that they stole $10,000 from the state tree huggers... to cut down a bunch of trees! Now that makes me proud. Maybe they could cut down the trees themselves and use that money for a pallet full of Rust-Oleum for that $2 million "sculpture" at the southeast corner of the park (pictured). What is it with the "art crowd" in St. Louis and rusted metal, anyhow?

Alright! You know that dream I had, where I exacted revenge for the death of The Crocodile Hunter? Well, looks like this summer I'll finally get my chance. The Zoo is bringing in a bunch of stingrays and a 17,000-gallon Death Tank, sponsored by United Missouri Bank Bank and Mrs. T's Pierogies. Nothing says "Aquatic Curiosities" quite like redundantly-named financiers and Slavic dumplings

Anywho, I've decided I better visit the Zoo again before all the animals go to that great unnatural habitat in the sky. Besides, the price is right. Free admission AND free parking, and I only had to walk from Seamus McDaniels.

Let's start out with a math problem.  What's 61 percent of 17 percent?  Answer:  I WIN!!!   Just in case you didn't feel like flipping through the local fish wrap trying to find election results let me clear it up.  Mayor Sliz-zay is in tha howwwse for my third term, yo.

It's pretty rare company I join.  The other fellas who have had the honor of a third term all have stuff named after them.  The Kiel Opera House Parking Garage, Tucker Boulevard and the Schoemehl Commemorative Hairpiece.  I'm open to suggestions as to what should bear my name.  The Slay Workhouse?  Union Slaytion?  B.B.'s Jazz, Blues, and Slay?  Like I said, suggestions are welcome.

Not that my win was all that surprising given the "competition."  The sellout Democrat?  Her name sounds like something your dog might do.  "I didn't get home in time to let Rufus out and he Maida Coleman on the living room rug."  Libertarian Robb Cunningham?  He can't even slash the extra "b" from his name, how is he supposed to handle a budget in these trying times?    And don't get me started on the Green Party.  You really think they could put down the hippie lettuce long enough to go vote?  Obviously not.

So now what?  I've got this place running like a well-oiled machine.  All there is to do now is collect all that bailout money and build some bridges and stuff.  The rest just kind of keeps on going.  I need a diversion.

Hey! Rainford is back to work after running my campaign. He popped in to tell me there is something called "Twitter" on the Googlewebs.  I have no idea what it is, but it sounds like a real time-killer.   He set me up here and apparently I can interact with y'all and not actually have to shake your hand.  Oh this is going to be good.  

I think I'll hit the gym this morning. Because Lord knows I didn't break a sweat putting a heapin' helpin' of mayoral smackdown on all those who dared stand against me in the primary election.  THAT'S how we do it in my ward, "The Mean 16."

I'm going to take this unanimous victory back to City Hall and parade that power around. What's that? Not unanimous? Well, anything over 50.5% gets rounded up to 100.  Look it up. 

And don't give me that "low voter turnout" garbage either.  You want to know why a person might decide not to vote? Because they a) are ardent supporters, and show their confidence in me by saying to themselves, "That Slay is so certain to lay down a crushing defeat that he won't even need my vote," or b) a supporter of an opponent who's will was already crushed by my inherent superiority.  I understand, and don't worry. I'm your Mayor too, not just Mayor of the right-thinking Slaymates.

I don't want to seem ungracious in victory. So, I'll give some advice and encouragement to my opponents. To Denise Green Watson-Wesley Baxter-Birney Mellencamp.  Pick a name and go with it.  Irene Smith, you might think of a name change also.  Try going with "Francis Slay," that seems to be a winner.

You know what I'm most excited about?  Well if I remember right from my days at SLU, after three successful attempts, you get to make a rule.  From now on, Aldermen must bounce a quarter into a shot glass with their left hand before being recognized to speak by the Board President.  Each time you miss: drink.

Hmmm... how to show the electorate that I am not just their Mayor, but a big honking three-termer?  Ooooh!  I know.  I need a sash.  Any chump can climb into a suit and tie, but a sash, now that says something.  Purple, the color of royalty with the words "MAYOR FOR LIFE" emblazoned across it.  I'll get to work on it.

I know what you’re thinking, “But your Exaltedness, there's still a General Election.”  Please.   I've got chunks of Libertarians in my stool.