Proof That Horoscopes Are Bogus

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I'm about to let you in on a little secret; horoscopes aren't real. I'm not talking about whether or not you can relate them to your life, because many of them are so general that you could apply them to anything if you're really determined to. But if you are someone who lives their life according to what is "predicted" for you on a daily basis, stop right how because you are wasting your time.

How do I know this? I personally wrote six months worth of horoscopes when I interned at a magazine in college. I had friends in college who penned these astrological predictions for publications too, and trust me, a knowledge of the constellations wasn't a requirement to write them. Sometimes, when I had two longer horoscopes next to each other, I would copy and paste them around to mix it up a little bit. What does this mean for you? Well, somewhere at a little desk, an average intern or student is randomly predicting your future based on what they happen to be thinking of at that moment.

Just in case you don't believe me, I've taken the liberty of writing everyone's weekly horoscope for them today. Enjoy!

Libra (September 22-October 21) You are lucky this week because some no-name stars are lined up or something. Ask your boss for a raise. If they say no, it's because they want to see if you're tough-as-nails, so slap them around a bit until they agree to a bigger paycheck.

Scorpio (October 22-November 20) The moons are not in your favor this week. October 9 will be especially unlucky, so you should stay in bed all day after calling in sick to work.

Sagittarius (November 21-December 20) Your lucky days are Wednesday and Friday this week, so on those two days, my sources are telling me to tell you to buy as many lottery tickets as possible. You'll probably win the lottery.

Capricorn (December 21-January 19) The stars have aligned so that you have extra energy this week. Sign up to run a full marathon this coming weekend, and don't worry if you haven't exactly trained for it. They have excellent medical aid on site.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You are feeling very fast this week, but you might get yourself into trouble here. Keep speed limits in mind if you don't want a repeat of last month...

Pisces (February 19-March 19) The moons of Uranus have lined up to make you lucky in love. If there's someone you've had a crush on for a while, now is the time to make your move. Show up with flowers and a hand-penned song of adoration. They're sure to profess their love back.

Aries (March 20-April 18) This is going to be the best week of the year for you. You'll get a raise, make new friends, go on an amazing date, win a new car and win an award for being so amazing. (This may or may not be my sign.)

Taurus (April 19-May 19) I'm not getting much of a feeling about you. Maybe you should try making a friend or two this week.

Gemini (May 20-June 19) You'll find new courage this week because our moon has lined up with Saturn. Do something you've always been scared to try, like sky-diving, mountain climbing or mud wrestling with alligators.

Cancer (June 20-July 21) You're feeling very pensive this week because your stars ran into the big dipper. Spend some time at home in the dark in your footie pajamas eating ice cream out of the carton. Listen to old Cher albums for an added bonus.

Leo (July 23-August 21) See Capricorn.

Virgo (August 22-September 21) A solar eclipse in Leo on Thursday will motivate you to make a fresh start. Quit your job, sell your house and take a couple years to tour the North American Continent.