Fake Mayor Slay: Culling the Nerd Herd

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It's times like this that I wish I had appointed myself as Chief of Police. Then I could just start shooting people no questions asked. What's got my dander up you ask? Getting fleeced by a bunch of nerds!

The nice folks over at KSDK found evidence of wild cronyism in our IT department here at City Hall. Which is very commendable of Ms. Zigman. Because if you had pressed me, I would have been shocked to find out we had an IT department! Hell, I couldn't get a laptop for Rainford for the first four years I was here. I had to give him an Etch-a-Sketch to tote around to press conferences.

And if I didn't know better, I'd swear there's just an answering machine on our help desk line that says "reboot and see if that fixes it" anytime you call. I don't think that is a human being.

But apparently I was wrong, because someone has to work in that department, so they can blow the taxpayer's hard-earned on fluff jobs for their family! Don't they ever watch movies? Nerds don't sit behind a desk cooking up fraudulent hiring practices. Nerds are only to do the following:

• fix our computers
  
• lock themselves in a lab inventing cool stuff for real people
  
• hack super complex computers in 3 seconds with a blind flurry of keystrokes
  
• argue over which roast beef is better, Arby's or Lion's Choice (which is a total waste of time given the obvious superiority of Lion's Choice)
  
• be easily swayed into giving up classified information to a pretty girl who fogs his glasses
  

But no, our nerds decide it'd be a good idea to hire a convicted felon to run our network. Why can't we get the guy from that show, "Chuck?" What is that guy's name, anyhow? It's on the tip of my tongue.

Shoot, gotta run. J-Ray is vigorously shaking is laptop. I think he is trying to reboot.