Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to tell you why Heidi Montag sucks. Not at being an idiot reality TV "star," but as an actual human being and waste of space on planet earth.

For those of you who flinched at the horse-faced bimbo in the photograph, don't be alarmed. The boobs, the hair, the nose, the mouth and the nails are all recreations of what she would like to have been born with. I have despised her from the moment I laid eyes on her frowning, collagen-enhanced mouth. But something that I heard recently really sent me over the edge.

No matter what your political party, affiliations or views about America are, I hope you're with me on this one; Heidi Montag thinks that she should be the next VP of the U.S. with McCain instead of Palin. (Don't go pro/anti McCain on me here. Politics aside, I'm outraged at the thought of that airhead touching anything involving our country's security.) Can you imagine? The Oval Office would be pink, plastic surgery would be classified as a necessary medical procedure and she would have to have a full-time assistant for every move because her fingernails are impractically long.

And another thing; who the heck told that moron she could sing? Click on the Video tab to see her shrieking in a bikini. I blame her impossibly ignorant boyfriend, Spencer Pratt. The scruffy faced pig won a much-deserved spot on the Unsexiest Man of 2007 list, and it's easy to see why he was grouped with the likes of Bob Saget and the fat guy from Borat.

Between their idiotic love spats, endless supply of "candid" photographs and feuds with equally unimpressive reality stars, it's clear that for this couple, any publicity is good publicity. I'm probably just feeding the monster here, but if Heidi ever invades St. Louis, it's going to get ugly (uglier in her case).

Thanks for letting me vent about Heidi; I feel so much better now.