American Idol: A Rant

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I’m well that aware that, being neither a “tween” nor a “girl”, I’m not exactly American Idol’s target demo.  But I’m a fan nonetheless.  But there are some things that are starting to worry me.  Look, I tried to be open minded with the addition of a fourth judge.  And I’ve given Kara DioGuardi the benefit of the doubt…until last night.  After singing Aerosmith’s Dream On (more on that in a moment) she told Danny Gokey that he should be singing “early Aerosmith”.

Um…earlier than Dream On?  Earlier than a song that’s off their first freakin’ record?

Hey, maybe Kara’s so cool she has some bootleg Aerosmith recordings from when they were playing bar mitzvahs.  Personally I think it’s a bit much to expect Gokey to be quite so…*ahem*…cool.  But now that I think about it, I highly doubt that she is in possession of such a mythical recording since she goes on to site Cryin’ or Crazy (both of which are from the mid-'90s) as examples of “early Aerosmith”.  Clearly, she has no idea what she’s talking about.

Now, American Idol has a rich and storied tradition of female judges that have been medically diagnosed as, I believe the term is: “a head full of crazy”.  But at least Paula has the decency to merely be nonsensical when she decides to ramble.  Kara is just flat out wrong.

Furthermore, I know Adam Lambert has a rabid following but “rock god”, really?  So Elvis, Robert Plant and Adam Lambert belong on the same list in Karaville.  Admittedly, I’m not an Adam Lambert fan.  But I get why people like him even though, to me, his act consists of almost entirely of screeching.  I’m confused as to why all of the judges are acting like they’ve never seen someone like him before.  The history of rock-n-roll is littered with people that can do exactly what he’s doing.  They were called “hair bands”.  That’ not to say that what he’s doing doesn’t take talent but it is far from unique.  He’s not the future of rock-n-roll.  He’s its past.  He’s more akin to the lead singer of a RATT tribute band.

Something very unsettling happened last night during Adam’s Zeppelin cover last night.  During the final part of the song they put effects on his voice.  No.  No, no, no.  A thousand times no.  I realize that the original song uses effects during that portion but this is a signing competition.  The contestants should never, ever, ever have effects on their voice.  For any reason.  Ever.  That’s a bad road to go down.  What happens if someone wants to sing Cher’s Do You Believe In Life After Love?  Are you going to let a contestant use auto-tune?  This is the text book definition of “slippery slope”.

As for Gokey’s performance of Dream On, with all due respect, the judges either didn’t get it or didn’t want to admit that they understood what was going on.  Was the performance bad?  Absolutely.  But you know what else it was?  It was brilliant!  That wasn’t a performance, that was a full on parody of Adam Lambert.  And nothing you can say will ever convince me otherwise.  Kara mentioned Danny’s misplaced “swagger”.  His swagger had nothing to do with singing.  He was giving you exactly what you’ve been praising all season long: screaming.  Granted, Gokey’s screams aren’t as pristine as Lambert’s…but it’s still screaming. 

And I hate the idea of duets.  That being said, they were better than I thought.  But they shouldn’t happen during competition.  It was utterly confusing.  There were no numbers on the screen but the judges critiqued them.  What’s that even supposed to mean?  The look on Gokey’s face was priceless.  He hated doing it and you could tell.  And I don’t blame him.  What’s the stronger singer supposed to do with his competition?  Prop him up or show him up?  If you want to keep duets then they should be reserved for “result shows” only.  Those episodes already have so much padding they should be sponsored by Kotex.  Why not throw in something that’s actually interesting?

A bigger problem this season has been the fact that they can’t end the show on time.  It’s gotten so bad that one weak an entire performance aired well after the show’s scheduled end time.  They dodged a bullet that time because the missed performance was Adam Lambert, a contestant that was in absolutely no danger of going home.  Unfortunately, that was the weak he sang Mad World, arguably his best outing to date.  Producers keep claiming that it’s because of the addition of a fourth judge but quite frankly, I don’t care.  They’ve been doing this show for EIGHT YEARS!  Figure it out already.  And the solution of only allowing 2 judges to speak per contestant was ridiculous and, justifiably, quickly abandoned.  The only way that will work is if one of the judges allowed to speak is always Simon Cowell.

Here’s an idea for speeding up the show.  How about not letting the crowd boo for 5 minutes every time Simon says anything short of “You were better than The Beatles”?  He’s the only person on the show with cogent criticism anyway.  Kara is too easily excitable and Randy long ago morphed into a caricature of himself.  Granted, Paula has been better this season.  But it doesn’t say much about people’s expectations when “coherent” is a compliment.  I think Kara’s presence has put Paula on notice.  And while she is much more articulate than in previous seasons, there are times when she’s obviously prewritten her comments and is reciting them back.  I’ve heard 3^rd grade classes imbue more spontaneity in their morning recitation of the Pledge Of Allegiance.