Fake Mayor Slay: Can't Spell 'Inauguration' Without 'Augur'

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Big Day! Finally, the day of my Inaw Innau Inagru swearing in! Recognition for the beat-down I have given all comers. I mean sure you may have thought it was a done deal when I won the primary. And I suppose the election made it official. But it doesn't hit home until I'm standing on some steps talking to a crowd of people who don't have jobs important enough to be at their desks.

I think I'll take a cue from Obama. "The last eight years, this city has been a ship steered by a rudder of failed policies, guided by a breeze of cronyism." How's that strike you? I'd hate to be the guy in charge for the last eight years, he'll be all "oh no he dih-int!" Sucks to be him.

I was thinking of opening with that, but Jeff Rainford said to lead with a joke. Okay, fine. How many Somali pirates does it take to change a light bulb? POW POW POW! None! The Navy Seals just shot them. Huh? Huh? No? Crap.  You'd think after the first two acceptance speeches, this one would be easier.

Still trying to line up Beyonce for my first dance with the missus. No word yet, but not a "no" either, so I've got her penciled in. My fallback plan is the guy who plays that silky horn under the pedestrian bridge by Busch Stadium. I think that money he gathers for lessons is really working, he's getting good.

Well, I better knuckle down and hammer this speech out. I'm going to have people from all over the city there supporting me. From The Hill, to South City, to Midtown, the West End, Dog Town, I mean a swath of the entire city. Can't let them down.