Fake Mayor Slay: Demo(crat) Without a Loss

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I think I'll hit the gym this morning. Because Lord knows I didn't break a sweat putting a heapin' helpin' of mayoral smackdown on all those who dared stand against me in the primary election.  THAT'S how we do it in my ward, "The Mean 16."

I'm going to take this unanimous victory back to City Hall and parade that power around. What's that? Not unanimous? Well, anything over 50.5% gets rounded up to 100.  Look it up. 

And don't give me that "low voter turnout" garbage either.  You want to know why a person might decide not to vote? Because they a) are ardent supporters, and show their confidence in me by saying to themselves, "That Slay is so certain to lay down a crushing defeat that he won't even need my vote," or b) a supporter of an opponent who's will was already crushed by my inherent superiority.  I understand, and don't worry. I'm your Mayor too, not just Mayor of the right-thinking Slaymates.

I don't want to seem ungracious in victory. So, I'll give some advice and encouragement to my opponents. To Denise Green Watson-Wesley Baxter-Birney Mellencamp.  Pick a name and go with it.  Irene Smith, you might think of a name change also.  Try going with "Francis Slay," that seems to be a winner.

You know what I'm most excited about?  Well if I remember right from my days at SLU, after three successful attempts, you get to make a rule.  From now on, Aldermen must bounce a quarter into a shot glass with their left hand before being recognized to speak by the Board President.  Each time you miss: drink.

Hmmm... how to show the electorate that I am not just their Mayor, but a big honking three-termer?  Ooooh!  I know.  I need a sash.  Any chump can climb into a suit and tie, but a sash, now that says something.  Purple, the color of royalty with the words "MAYOR FOR LIFE" emblazoned across it.  I'll get to work on it.

I know what you’re thinking, “But your Exaltedness, there's still a General Election.”  Please.   I've got chunks of Libertarians in my stool.