Madonna Is NOT 50, Thank You Very Much.

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Madonna has it on very high authority that she is, in fact, 36.

Not only that, but the grand lady of pop has slapped a gagging order on anyone whispering the number… shhh… 50 at her star-studded celebrations tomorrow.

Guests at her country pile are under strict instructions not to give any cards, cakes or presents bearing the number 50 or face the wrath of the muscle-bound Material Girl.

But how could we have got it so wrong?

Well, using ancient techniques known only to a select few, the high priests of Kabbalah have calculated her spiritual age by channelling the energy of the poptastic one. And it’s, um, 36.

How convenient.