Hello constituents and employees of corporate donors. I know lots of issues are on your minds these days. The economy, crime, why John Belushi's talentless little brother is still on TV. We're working on those. Seriously, one wake-up call to Courtney Thorne-Smith should take care of that last one. But I also want to be The Green Mayor (although, I liked the sound of The Silver Slayer much better).

So, you know the old saying, "Think Globally, Act Locally?" It doesn't get more local than my own front yard. So I was pretty excited when the Suburban Journals announced they would stop littering my front yard with their ad rag by November 5 if we didn't subscribe. Well, here we are in December, and the thing keeps landing in my yard. I checked with Mrs. Mayor to see if she had sent in their ransom request, and she said no. I was in the doghouse for a bit for assuming she'd be that stupid. Don't worry, she can't resist my executive overtures.

I digress. Don't get me wrong, I love reading when fine journalists like Jim Merkel cover vitally important news. But why does it have to be all up in my lawn, especially since they said they'd stop? And why on Earth would I pay them for something they are going to keep doing for free anyhow?

To add insult to the gaping wound print publications leave on Mother Earth, this Sunday they threw a copy of the Post-Dispatch on there to boot! And without the coupons! In this economy? That's just mean.

It is almost as if they are trying to artificially inflate their circulation numbers to make their dying medium more palatable to advertisers. That's disingenuous. You don't see me trying to re-work census numbers every time they are published, do you?

When the spokesholes over at the Convention and Tourists commission told me they were building a "virtual St. Louis" I was pretty amped. I said, "That makes perfect sense! People always read about violent crime and robbery happening in St. Louis, why not let people live the experience?" Their looks of confusion told me they didn't fully grasp the genius of their own creation. "Haven't you guys ever played Grand Theft Auto?"

I explained how excited I was that instead of carjacking citizens and picking up ho's for extra health in some generic "Liberty City," that using the Gateway City as a backdrop made perfect sense, and allowed people to get to know our city and surrounding area better.

"Seriously, how many white kids 18-24 have ever been on Hall Street, much less heard of it?" I said. "Now, they can cruise up Hall Street on a 'mission' to break all their buddies out of the Workhouse then lead the police on a chase until they reach their secret hideout at 19th and Cole. The possibilities! You could unlock the bridge over the river to 'East Gateway City!' There could be a backstory about trying to take down the man who runs everything from the shadows, Mayor Slayer. Hey that even rhymes!"

Finally one of the word monkeys from Tourism spoke up. "Um, sir, it's not a console game. You can't run around and kill people and jump buildings in cars. It's an island in Second Life. you can basically walk around the city and see stuff."

What? Second Life? That's weak. Where's the sex appeal? Where's the mystery and intrigue, and Mayor Slayer? I told them all to get a First Life and come back to me when I can drive my Benz-o up the marble staircase in City Hall. Virtually, of course.

My Fellow Citizens... what's happenin'?  Sorry to be flip, but I am in a great mood.  See, the Congress finally got off their fat cat, lighting-cigars-off-$100-bills tails this weekend and did something for Francis Q. Public.  

Looks as though the $700,000,000,000 financial bailout is going to happen.  So all those investment banks that built their business around the idea that they could manage risk, and profit from the uncertain don't actually have to be accountable for all the bad decisions they made.  And that, my friends, is great news for us here in St. Louis.  How's that?  Well, I'm not just Mayor because no one else ran.  (Well, actually that is true as well).

During a high-level meeting with El Capitan himself (pictured here with me and Smokin' Matt Blunt), I think I made a breakthrough in economic policy.  Too long have we depended on wealth to "trickle down" from the wealthy.  The idea is sound, just executed wrong.  

What this country needs is a "Trickle Out" economic plan.  The basis is this: plop all $700 Bigby's* in a pile right here in the middle of America, and watch it spread throughout the land.  If you were pouring cake batter in a pan shaped like America, would you pour it all in the "Wall Street" of the pan?  NO!  You'd pour it right on top of St. Louis, and watch that delicious goodness fill all of your America Cake with just the slightest effort.  And then, like our economy, your America Cake would rise from sea to lightly-greased-with-Crisco sea.

Trickle Out Economics.  Often the best solution is the simplest, folks.  

* "Bigbys" is insider politico jargon for "Billions of dollars."  As in, "wow, Lacy you mean Billion, with a Big B."  I like letting you laypeople in on the political scene on the blog here.  And yes, our Congressman is actually named Lacy.  I wasn't making that up.

It's times like this that I wish I had appointed myself as Chief of Police. Then I could just start shooting people no questions asked. What's got my dander up you ask? Getting fleeced by a bunch of nerds!

The nice folks over at KSDK found evidence of wild cronyism in our IT department here at City Hall. Which is very commendable of Ms. Zigman. Because if you had pressed me, I would have been shocked to find out we had an IT department! Hell, I couldn't get a laptop for Rainford for the first four years I was here. I had to give him an Etch-a-Sketch to tote around to press conferences.

And if I didn't know better, I'd swear there's just an answering machine on our help desk line that says "reboot and see if that fixes it" anytime you call. I don't think that is a human being.

But apparently I was wrong, because someone has to work in that department, so they can blow the taxpayer's hard-earned on fluff jobs for their family! Don't they ever watch movies? Nerds don't sit behind a desk cooking up fraudulent hiring practices. Nerds are only to do the following:

• fix our computers
  
• lock themselves in a lab inventing cool stuff for real people
  
• hack super complex computers in 3 seconds with a blind flurry of keystrokes
  
• argue over which roast beef is better, Arby's or Lion's Choice (which is a total waste of time given the obvious superiority of Lion's Choice)
  
• be easily swayed into giving up classified information to a pretty girl who fogs his glasses
  

But no, our nerds decide it'd be a good idea to hire a convicted felon to run our network. Why can't we get the guy from that show, "Chuck?" What is that guy's name, anyhow? It's on the tip of my tongue.

Shoot, gotta run. J-Ray is vigorously shaking is laptop. I think he is trying to reboot.

Hope you are enjoying the beginning of your week St. Louis. Ever since I pushed through the "Gorgeous Weather 2008" bill, August has been mild and sunny.

Okay, I didn't really pass a bill to make the weather nice. But even if I did, someone would probably be mad about it.

Like the jokers who are trying to put together a recall petition to get me pulled from office. What's that? Are you unhappy about something? I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you over the dull roar of HOW AWESOME I AM!! Tell you what, I'll just step aside and acquiesce to the other person running for Mayor next spring. What? NO ONE is running against me? Do you know why?

Because I am a By-God Force of Nature! I got 19,500 votes in the last election, that's like 18% of the population of St. Louis. That's not just a victory, that's a mandate from the people for me to stay in City Hall and kick tail!

To borrow from noted scholar Col. Nathan Jessup: You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me in that Hall, you need me in that Hall. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said "thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a pen and run for office. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!

But seriously, be proud that you almost got one-third of the signatures you need to even get the recall process started. Don't think that makes you one-third of a man. Think of it as "the glass is half full." Except, it is actually two-thirds empty. Nice job!